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By Mark Goulston, M.D.

Happy couples know that the real relationship begins
when the honeymoon is over. They know that unless you
maintain the garden of love, its beauty will wither
and die. In a recent column, you discovered the 10
relationship mistakes to avoid. Now discover the 10
things that happy couples do:

1. Go to bed at the same time. Remember the beginning
of your relationship, when you couldn't wait to go to
bed with each other to make love? Happy couples resist
the temptation to go to bed at different times. They
go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes
up later to do things while their partner sleeps.

2. Cultivate common interests. After the passion
settles down, it's common to realize that you have few
interests in common. But don't minimize the importance
of activities you can do together that you both enjoy.
If common interests are not present, happy couples
develop them. At the same time, be sure to cultivate
interests of your own; this will make you more
interesting to your mate and prevent you from
appearing too dependent.

3. Walk hand in hand or side by side. Rather than one
partner lagging or dragging behind the other, happy
couples walk comfortably hand in hand or side by side.
They know it's more important to be with their partner
than to see the sights along the way.

4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode. If
and when they have a disagreement or argument, and if
they can't resolve it, happy couples default to
trusting and forgiving rather than distrusting and
begrudging.

5. Focus more on what your partner does right than
what he or she does wrong. If you look for things your
partner does wrong, you can always find something. If
you look for what he or she does right, you can always
find something, too. It all depends on what you want
to look for. Happy couples accentuate the positive.

6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after
work. Our skin has a memory of "good touch" (loved),
"bad touch" (abused) and "no touch" (neglected).
Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin
bathed in the "good touch," which can inoculate your
spirit against anonymity in the world.

7. Say "I love you" and "Have a good day" every
morning. This is a great way to buy some patience and
tolerance as each partner sets out each day to battle
traffic jams, long lines and other annoyances.

8. Say "Good night" every night, regardless of how you
feel. This tells your partner that, regardless of how
upset you are with him or her, you still want to be in
the relationship. It says that what you and your
partner have is bigger than any single upsetting
incident.

9. Do a "weather" check during the day. Call your
partner at home or at work to see how his or her day
is going. This is a great way to adjust expectations
so that you're more in sync when you connect after
work. For instance, if your partner is having an awful
day, it might be unreasonable to expect him or her to
be enthusiastic about something good that happened to
you.

10. Be proud to be seen with your partner. Happy
couples are pleased to be seen together and are often
in some kind of affectionate contact -- hand on hand
or hand on shoulder or knee or back of neck. They are
not showing off but rather just saying that they
belong with each other.

Even if these actions don't come naturally, happy
couples stick with them until they do become a part of
their relationship. They know that it takes 30 days
for a change in behavior to become a habit, and a
minimum of six months for a habit to become a way of
life and love.

Dr. Goulston is the co-founder of CouplesCompany.com
and the author of The 6 Secrets of a Lasting
Relationship (Putnam, 2001).

~

http://www.thirdage.com/news/archive...020419-02.html


(10 Marriage Mistakes)
By Mark Goulston, M.D.

In life and love, you may think you're supposed to
always focus on the positive instead of the negative.
However, unless you become aware of your own hurtful
attitudes or actions -- so that you can correct them
-- your chances of staying in love 'til death do you
part are close to zero. To have your marriage last a
lifetime, avoid these 10 common mistakes:

1. Talking "at" instead of "with" your mate. Let his
or her body language be your guide. When you're
talking "at" your partner, he or she will tense up.
When you're talking "with" your spouse, he or she will
relax.

2. Tuning out -- instead of tuning in -- to what your
mate is saying. When you mind begins to wander, stop
and remember that what your partner is saying is
important to him or her.

3. Forgetting to thank your mate. Not thanking your
spouse for being considerate, thoughtful or kind makes
him or her feel unappreciated and foolish for caring
about you.

4. Getting defensive instead of saying, "I'm sorry."
When you mess up, the sooner you sincerely say, "I'm
sorry," the sooner your mate can stop resenting you.

5. Always saying, "I'm sorry," yet never changing. An
apology buys you another chance. However, if you keep
making the same mistake, apologies not only seem
empty, but annoying as well.

6. Being repeatedly late. Frequently keeping your
partner waiting is not only inconsiderate, it's
arrogant.

7. Playing the victim. This behavior not only accuses
your spouse of hurting you, but adds insult to injury
by implying that he or she is doing it intentionally,
when that may not be the case.

8. Jumping to conclusions. Presuming that you know
what your partner feels -- and why -- without first
getting all the facts is only going to push him or her
away.

9. Badmouthing your spouse behind his or her back.
This not only adds to the list of secrets you keep
from your mate, but also tells others how little you
respect your partner.

10. Thinking that doing something once is enough. If
you only temporarily stop making the above mistakes --
and don't continue to monitor yourself to keep from
slipping back into bad habits -- you're teasing your
partner with changing. You're also kidding yourself
that you're committed to improving your marriage, when
really you're not